With God, anything is possible

Well, 2015 was a crazy year, and I'm back to tell you about it. God put it heavy on my heart to share our story with ya'll, and I decided to open up the blog for one last post. I hope that it reaches into your heart where you need it the most, and I hope that it gives you hope no matter the situation you're in.

For the sake of our privacy, I'm not going into too much detail but I will share the most important parts. As most of you know, I married Mr. Kirk on August 9, 2014, it was a beautiful wedding and we couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. Through planning the wedding, being a bridezilla, and watching John love me through it all I just knew we could get through everything. After all, our wedding was perfect, so our marriage would be too right?

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Fast forward a few months after the wedding, we weren't able to see it until now but we took advantage of each other. We went into our marriage with the mindset of "divorce is NOT an option," and let this be the first part of my advice to all of you newlyweds, don't say that. Divorce might not be an option, and you might not want to ever get divorced (no one does), but setting yourself up like that makes it extremely easy to take advantage of one another. You start to treat each other like neither of you are going to leave, and to make a long story short; we disrespected each other, we hurt each other's feelings, we fought and argued about everything, we lost sight of what it was like to love each other. We forgot everything our vows said, and we fell apart. 

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John & I both grew up LDS/Mormon, and our faith was torn in a lot of directions through different struggles we went through separately in our lives & for our own personal reasons we decided not to move forward with that religion. I knew that I wanted God in my life and our marriage but we didn't know where to begin. My friend attended a non-denominational Christian church called "Red Rocks Church" in Golden, CO and the pastor wrote a book called "Transit" which I would highly recommend, you can find it here on Amazon. Anyway, after reading his book I decided to start watching the church broadcasts online every Sunday. John & I were still married, and living together, but hardly talking to each other. Our hearts were broken from the words we had said to each other, and we were so angry that we couldn't truly love one another. Every Sunday I'd watch church & I'd always ask John to watch it with me...but he didn't, so I'd pray and pray for him, and I prayed for our marriage, I prayed that God would heal our broken hearts, and I prayed for patience. It seemed like everyday I prayed, was a day closer to divorce. I watched our marriage fall apart, I tried everything to repair it myself. There were times where I thought maybe something had changed, and we were falling in love again, but then it would slowly break apart again and again.

If it wouldn't have been for the church & starting to re-build my relationship with God, I would have lost faith & felt completely lost. Even though my prayers weren't being answered the way I thought they should be, I knew that God had a plan for each of us- even if it wasn't together. I knew God had the ultimate control. Unfortunately that didn't mean that I was patient by any means, and it definitely didn't mean that I wasn't heart broken. We separated in November and I moved in with my parents, and we were divorced in January. A lot of things happened between then & now, but the most important thing is that God brought us back together.

"Don't mistake God's patience for his absence. 
His timing is perfect & his presence is constant."

John had started seeking a relationship with God when I left, he started praying that we would get back together, he started watching church, and he started rebuilding his relationship with God. On the flip side, I was still rebuilding my own relationship with God as well. We were both seeking God and the closer we got to God, the closer we became to each other. We started dating again in April and from day one we have been praying together, going to church together, and remaining faithful to God. It's been hard to re-kindle our relationship, it's been weird hanging out but not living together, and it's really weird that we're not married anymore. The best part about this though is that God is now the foundation of our relationship and when we choose to be re-married, we will be making a commitment to God and to each-other. We were trying to complete each other, we were trying to fill the God shaped hole in each-others hearts. We were trying to do for each other, what only God can do for us. God took control & in his timing everything was perfect. Our marriage failed the first time and it all changed when we stopped letting pride get in the way & admitted that we couldn't do it alone.  With God we have purpose, we have grace, and no matter what--we have a father who loves us, who has never left us no matter our sin or our situation, no matter our faults and imperfections, he has never left us nor forsaken us.

YOU are saved by grace, we don't deserve it, and we don't earn it. •Romans 10: 9-10•
 YOU are loved unconditionally by your Father in Heaven. •Romans 5:8•
 YOU are made whole in his love. •Romans 8:38-39•

On May 22, 2016 John & I were baptized in the Red Rocks Church in Lakewood, CO. You can watch it online on Sunday May 29, 2016 at www.redrockschurch.com 9AM, 11AM, or 1PM if you want to check it out. This is an experience I will never forget, I have seen God do some amazing things & the couple that we are now is nothing compared to the couple we used to be. We are humble, we are loving, we respect each other, we pray together, we pray for each other, we support each other..etc.
We are so grateful to be given a second chance. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that with God, everything is possible.
--GOD is GOOD--

"Our faith isn't made stronger when everything goes our way. Rather, God allows time of trouble & uncertainty to lead us back to the cross and seek His face more diligently than we would if it were smooth sailing."

My Journey: Day 2- Music is my Motivation

Well it's DAY TWO and let me just say, it wasn't as easy as day one. It never is right?

I woke up late, but I still read what I needed to read even though I was running a little behind.

But, when I have days like this where I can't get going- I always resort to motivational music.

 "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten is a great one to get me going but this is another one of my favorites..

Click here to find out more about this Christian band and the other great songs they have

If you can't listen to it where you're at, just read these lyrics. 

Until you stop breathing
Until you stop bleeding
Until your heart stops kick-drum beating
When it's hard times
When it's long days
And the enemy is right up in your face
When your back's against the ropes and you're feeling all alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good fight, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Even in the road blocks (yeah)
Even through the rough spots
When you're feeling you've given all that you've got
I'm with you in the next step
Giving you in the next breath
I'll be the voice saying "You're gonna make it"
When you're out there on your own
You are never alone

Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight) (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine) (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good fight, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Just keep on singing (Keep on singing)
And keep on dancing (Just keep on dancing)
Joy will be your banner
And My love will be your anthem
And you may never know what your tomorrow holds
But you can know that I am holding your tomorrow

Keep fighting the good fight
Keep letting your light shine
Keep fighting the good fight (Keep fighting the good fight) (Never give up, never give up)
Keep letting your light shine (Keep letting your light shine) (Holding it high as long as you live)
'Cause I'm never gonna leave you
Always gonna see you through to the other side
Keep fighting the good fight, fighting the good, fighting the good fight, good fight

Fighting the good fight

Once I get a motivational/inspirational playlist put together I'll share it, I just don't have all the best songs yet. 

What song helps you get going? Any song you'd recommend for my new playlist?

My Journey to becoming a better me

I recently decided to start this journey towards becoming a better me. I have realized throughout the last year a lot of my insecurities and flaws. I've gone down a spiral of depression, negative thought processes, and not wanting to feel this way but not having enough energy to fix it. The hardest part was that the person I was becoming was not only hurting myself, but it was hurting the people around me. 

Today is DAY ONE of my new journey & I thought I'd share with you some of the steps I'm taking and I invite you to join me on this journey, and become a better you!

I'm not a morning person, but knowing that I'm waking up to spend time to myself and start my day with a positive mindset really helps me wake up. So that's the first step-

  WAKE UP EARLY.

At least 30 minutes to an hour earlier than you usually do. I also changed my alarm to wake up to a positive song, right now it's "Just a Cloud Away" by Pharrell Williams. The first part of the lyrics start like this

 This rainy day is temporary the contrast is why we got 'em cause sun shining through, is just a cloud away...

It helps me wake up a lot more than any of the alarm sounds an iPhone gives you options for.

Step two- choose your drink. Whatever it is that gets you going, maybe it's fresh squeezed juice, a cup of tea, or a shake. My choice is COFFEE. I have a cup every morning at work, so instead of dragging myself to work & finally waking up after I drink my coffee (two hours into work), I come to work already energized and ready to start the day.

Choose your book(s). Do you have a book that is full of daily affirmations & positive quotes? If not, I suggest one! My best friend sent me this book called "Jesus Calling"

 (get it on Amazon here)

 each day is a scripture from the Bible and a daily prayer to start your day.

Read one page every morning.

Another book I also recommend is "The Love Dare" 

(get it on Amazon here).

 This book is about renewing, repairing, or helping maintain your marriage, it's a 40 day challenge and focuses on these things;

Attention, Acceptance, Affirmation, Affection, Allowing, Apology, Abiding.

 If you haven't heard of this book- watch the movie "Fireproof." You can also take the marriage evaluation to see what areas you can improve in at www.lovedaretest.com

I started reading it last night & wanted to share a few of my favorite parts that I wrote down just from the introduction. 

"Marriage shows us our need to grow & deal with our own issues & self-centerdness through the help of our lifelong partner"

"The most important thing to do in your marriage is to LOVE"

"Don't follow your heart, lead it. If you are not leading your own heart, someone or something else is."

"Love is a decision, not just a feeling"

"You have the responsibility to protect & guide your heart."

Whether you know Christ's love for you, or you are trying to gain a relationship with God read ROMANS 8 every-single-day. I was given a 7 day challenge, but I think I'll just include it in my journey & read it every-day, it takes about five minutes or less.

Find a positive quote/ affirmation & read it to yourself until you either memorize it, or believe it. Maybe you have a Pinterest board full of them, or you print them off and you created a vision board or a board of postive affirmations. If not, there's a million on this board, go follow it!

Self talk, it's uncomfortable at first & then after awhile you'll end up doing it without even a reminder. What's self talk? Well, there's a couple different ways to do this- you can write down a lot of positive things about yourself, or things you want to accomplish and read them over & over. OR before you leave every morning, you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I love myself, for who I am, and for who God created me to be. I am not my past, today is a new day & it's the beginning to becoming a new me." You guys, I know it's weird...but it helps. I promise.

Invite god into your day by saying a prayer, whether it's before you leave the house or on your way to work. God wants to hear you, and he needs you to give him the invitation into your day and into your life. He is waiting to help you, he is waiting to shower you with spiritual gifts & his love, but you have to ASK. In that prayer, pray for your spouse, pray for your marriage, pray for someone who needs comfort & peace, and make sure you always thank him for one big thing (like the fact that you have a job & can support your family) & one small thing (like how beautiful the sunrise was this morning).

Track your mood, if it starts to get negative remind yourself that YOU control how YOU feel.

Be in control of you, your emotions, your self-esteem & be your own motivator.

Track your happiness; What made you smile? What made you laugh? What made you feel joy?

Cut the CRAP. Cut out fast food, cut out soda (or at least limit your intake), cut out the greasy food that does nothing for you, cut out the junk food that gives your body no nutrients. Cut-it-out.

Last but not least, get energized!  Get out and experience this beautiful weather while we still have it, or go for a run if you're into that cardio stuff. Do something for your body! Take care of your body & it will take care of you.

So can I do it? If I put my mind to it and believe it- I can. It's only day one but I'm already starting to feel better.

Have you gone through a time in your life where you've had to focus on finding yourself? What helped you the most? Any books you'd recommend, or routines you tried?

I'd love to hear them, comment your success stories below.

What I want to say to the LGBT Community

It's all over the news, all over your social media, and its what everyone's talking about.

It's the headlines of every newspaper.

As of Friday June 26, 2015....

Supreme Court Ruling Makes Same-Sex Marriage a Right Nationwide

And all over my Facebook people are celebrating by changing their profile pictures to a rainbow color, and people are discriminating by posting horrible memes and religious people are saying how much of a sin it is, and how God will judge them later. Let me tell you something, I grew up LDS and I turned to a different religion for my own reasons, somewhere I felt more accepted, somewhere that the people didn't judge and the people accepted those who were broken. All I wanted to do was to increase my relationship with God, I didn't care about the religion it was, I just needed to have faith, and know God's love for me. As a very new Christian I have learned a very important thing, God's love is bigger, and God loves every single one of his children and it is not up to us to judge them.

If you read that you'll understand that it basically says "do not judge" because how are we to know what God says about a person, we are taught that God loves everyone.

Here's what I want to say to the LGBT Community

Congratulations! You have waited for this day & I know it's a day you will celebrate the rest of your life. I'm sorry that you are being judged by those who only see your choice of love as a sin, I'm sorry that you are being cast at with stones from people who are imperfect and broken. I'm sorry if you have grown up with a faith of God & knowing his love for you and have steered away because of what the people of the church have said to you, or thought of you and your choice. I'm not worried about the LGBT Community, I'm not worried about legalized same-sex marriages, I'm not worried about that, I'm worried that those who are part of the LGBT Community won't know the love that God has for them, won't believe that God still loves them, I'm worried that they will only believe that they are looked down and judged on by God, and that God will lose more followers because they chose to believe that God doesn't love them based on our society judging them. 

Christians, aren't we supposed to share our word, aren't we supposed to let others know the love that God has for them? Aren't we supposed to make heaven more crowded? How will God get through to his children to let them know that he still loves them if God's followers are judging them and telling them different. That's my worry, that these people in the LGBT Community will forget the love that God has for them, that they will lose faith, and that they will feel God looking down on them. I don't know what God thinks about this, and I don't know how God feels, but I do know that God's love for each and everyone of us is relentless. I might be a new Christian, I might be wavering in my faith and not praying each and every day, I might not be reading the bible from back to front and I definetely can't quote a scripture by memory yet but one thing I know, and I've always known is God's love for me and every single one of his children. Think about it, what if your child grew up and decided to choose homosexuality.... would you stop loving them? Would you judge them? Would you want them to know that they are sinning in the eyes of God, or would you want them to know of the love that God has for them? 

I pray for the LGBT community, I pray that they will only feel the love that God has for them, I pray for those who are judging to be reminded that God loves every single one of us and that nothing we can do will change his love for us. I've never met anyone who had God in their life that was a bad person, no matter what that person has done, no matter how that person is living, they have a relationship with God just like we do. Life is so hard, but God has tons of grace for you. Grace is what attracts us to god and it is what confirms his love for us over & over. I pray that you never forget that. 

I don't know where this came from, all I know that something hit me today and these words just poured out. I also know that it was right after I enjoyed my online podcast of Red Rocks Church and all I could think about were those who have forgotten the love that God has for them. God is bigger than all of this, and his love is relentless. I remember when I first started getting into the Christian church and starting to grow a relationship with God I started watching Red Rocks Church online. They did a series called "Off the Record" and they asked their church to write down subjects that are creating culture tension that they want to know what the bible says about it, or what God thinks about it. These were the ones they chose, these were the ones that were most asked about;

Pornography

Heaven

End of Times

Human Sexuality (homosexuality)

I remember thinking how bad I wanted to watch what the sermon said about Human Sexuality as a non-denominational Christian, but also so scared that I was just going to hear them judge and talk about how bad of a sin it is....but I didn't. I'm sharing this with you whether you want to watch it or not, it's such a good message. He starts to say that it's the topic of the hour in the American Church right now, and the church wrote in about this subject more than any other subject and he talks about how homosexuality relates to America and the church and what to do with it. He states in this message that the same measure of judgement we use on others is going to come right back at us. 

http://www.redrockschurch.com/media/watch-messages/human-sexuality/230/

Please don't let the world and the people make you feel that God loves you less.

I'll end this post with this scripture

1 Peter 4:17

For it is time for judgment to begin with God's household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God?

The bad wife // expectation vs reality

Ever since I got engaged I wondered what kind of wife would I be, and at the end of everyday I wonder if I could do better. I recently came across this quiz that popped up on my Facebook newsfeed called "What kind of wife are you?" I was bored at home and thought, what the heck.

You know those stupid quizzes that have random multiple choice questions like

How do you like your eggs?

What makes you cry? 

What kind of movies do you like?

What would you do if...?

I laughed as I was answering some of these questions, and thought to myself "how is this quiz going to tell me what kind of wife I am?" I ended the quiz and got the result: I am a Caring Wife.

Of course, I'm a caring person, I have a big heart, but I can also be selfish, impatient, lazy & a lot of times I don't sensor the things that I say. I wondered what other answers this quiz could give someone. If I answered all the questions wrong, would it really tell me if I was a bad wife?

I retook the quiz, several times to see what I would get. There was classy wife, faithful wife, caring wife...etc never once did I get "I am a Bad Wife."

We might think we're a bad wife every time we forget to cook dinner for our husbands, or when we start an argument about something silly, or when we forget to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer, or totally disregard the pile of dishes in the sink. We might think we're a bad wife because we decided to sit on the couch all day instead of clean the house, we decided to sit in the messes that were there instead of take care of them, we can't sew something that needs sewn, we just don't have the energy to be intimate with our husband, or we logged into Pinterest or read a bunch of "perfect" blogs and suddenly we realized everything we couldn't do. 

My life has clutter

Maybe you haven't come across the blog post before titled "Whats in my purse?" or "take a look at my bag"...etc. If you have, you might understand this blog post. If you haven't let me explain what it is, basically the blogger takes a picture of everything in their purse, numbers each item and lists the items. Here's the thing, they have maybe 3-4 items, they never have any junk, nothing is random, and there isn't any trash. Is that even realistic, or am I just a really cluttered person? No, it's not realistic, because I know people and we all carry a purse that ends up being a black hole for a bunch of random crap. I would be lying to myself and everyone around if I only showed the clean parts of my purse, just like some bloggers only show the "perfect" side of their lives. I'm not going to link any examples because I'm not here to bash any specific bloggers, I'm just saying let's be real! If you're a clean freak you'll probably hate this post and want to come knock down my door and teach me how to organize my purse, and if you're like me you'll enjoy seeing that someone else has the same type of purse you do, or worse! Before I start though, have you ever seen that episode of FRIENDS when Ross asks Phoebe for some gum and she pulls out a bunch of random stuff to try and get to it? It's right here if you want to watch it, but that's pretty much like my purse.

 Remember my last post when I said "grab a cup of coffee and come laugh with me about how I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else?" This is one of those times. Got your coffee? Lets go!

A transformation

I've been struggling with anxiety for a long time & a little bit of depression, sometimes a lot depending on the day. I've been trying to pin point where exactly this started in my life, why I've become so fearful, shameful, and felt unworthy. Where did this come from? I could blame it on a million different things, but I could never actually figure out the root of the problem. Until one day during my research, I looked up the definition of anxiety. 

anx·i·e·ty

aNGˈzīədē/

noun

noun: anxiety; plural noun: anxieties

1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
2. 
   

 If we are worried about an event with an uncertain outcome, then we have a fear of the unknown and being nervous or uneasy might mean we aren't confident enough to face whatever that "uncertainty" is. So for me, having anxiety boils down to not having enough confidence & feeling like I need to control the outcome of everything, which is impossible. I started looking on Amazon for self-help books about how to grow my confidence, and I came across a book that had a review about Brene Brown's TED talks. One afternoon I took 40 minutes out of my day and watched the following TED talks by Brene Brown, I highly recommend these by the way. 

            

 After I watched these videos, it clicked. I started looking at my blog posts with the most views over the past year; besides the coconut oil hair growth (because everyone wants to grow their hair), and the guest post by the amazing Lisa over at Copper Anchor (because she's got great insights to marriage). I realized one thing, the rest of my most popular posts that got the most views were the times I was the most vulnerable. The times where I would over-think writing about it, and once I did write about it, it sat in my drafts because I'd ask myself "what if it wasn't good enough?" "what if no one cares to hear about it?" "what if it's TMI?" 

(Just like this post, that has been in my drafts since March)

One of my favorite parts of the second TED talk is when she talks about shame, and she talks about it being gender organized.

She explains that both men & women experience shame, but they experience it in a different way.

She uses a commercial to explain what she means, an ad for perfume that says;

"I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work from 5-9, I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan & never let you forget you're a man."

She goes on to say that for women, shame is;  "do it all, do it perfectly & never let them see you sweat."

It was this part of the talk that I realized how shameful I am, how often women are comparing themselves to each other, how often we think we aren't good enough. A good enough wife, a good enough Mom, a good enough daughter...etc. All of this stems from our confidence, we would never have to ask ourselves if we were good enough if only we had the confidence to know that we were. We wouldn't need people in our lives to compliment us, because we compliment ourselves. We wouldn't NEED to have someone in our life to love us, because we loved our-self & when we did find that person that loved us it would only add to the love that we already have for our-self.